Saturday, October 20, 2012

Infertility questions I've thought about.

Do I regret not trying harder to have a baby before my hysterectomy?
  • No.  I did as much as I felt I was comfortable and emotionally able to handle.  I was also realistic to the outcome ( high risk for a miscarriage).  I didn't want to spend too many days, months or years trying for something that was not a guarantee and that was making me miserable.  At the time, we didn't have the money to adopt either.
How has infertility changed my relationship with my husband?
  • I know how much he loves me now.  He loved me enough to stay with me even though I wasn't able to give him any children.  We have grown stronger as a couple and have more time for each other because we never had to raise little kids.   
How has infertility changed me as a person?
  • It is true when they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".  I have had to go above and beyond self exploration to figure out who I am because of my infertility.  I have experienced so much heartache through the years because I always thought I would be a mother to my own child.  When I finally accepted the fact that I would never have children of my own, I went through a personal life changing shift.  Because of my infertility my book was born.  Because of my book my confidence has grown.  I have been able to connect with other people in such a way that I wouldn't have been able to if I was like everyone else.
How has going from a foster mother to an adoptive mother changed me.
  •  We just adopted our 22 year old former foster daughter last week and it's been hard for me to process that she is ours now because I didn't give birth to her.  I know I love her but now I have to figure out how to be a mother instead of a foster mother.  I don't want to disappoint her.  I think I took her for granted right after she was adopted.  Similar to how some people are after they get married.  Not good.  It is still new to me and a struggle that I'm trying to undertake.  Though, I am happy that she is apart of our family now.  I don't think it has sunk in all the way yet.
Am I happy?
  • Yes.  For a long time I didn't think I would ever be happy again but now that I've experienced so much in my life I can truely say that I'm happy to be alive.  When you are in your dark place you can't imagine ever being happy again, but it will come.  Maybe not right away but if you give it half a chance you might surprise yourself.